My choice, His life: How I'm *Really* Doing...

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

How I'm Really Doing...

When ever I read of someone going through a personal tragedy I'm always amazed by their grace. Christians especially amaze me with the strenth of their faith. Perhaps it is just me, but I know that I have not been as strong as I portray.

I didn't lie about anything. I KNOW that this was God's will and that it will bring glory to Him. But it hurts.

I find my self irritable for no reason. I don't want to play with Holden or talk to Oliver. I just want to crawl into a hole and not think about anything. Of course, I don't...and I don't allow Oliver to either. Instead I nag and complain and am all around horrible.

It's not how I want to be, but what I want doesn't seem to carry much weight anymore. So please, pray that my heart will be changed and that I can begin to see God's magisty in this. My flesh is railing against my soul, and I fear that the flesh is winning.

God bless you all.

7 Comments:

Oh, it`s your hormones. Seriously. Don`t beat yourself up over it -- think of your hormonal depression as "your cross to bear" (to use an expression my son`s teacher last year -- a nun -- frequently used to describe HIM). Your heart and your intentions sound pure, but your body is not totally within your control.
If you really do find yourself sinking into a black pit of despair, then please mention it to your doctor, because hormonal imbalances can be treated -- also, it might help you to attend a pregnancy loss support group. One of my biggest regrets is that I suffered silently through post-partum depression instead of seeking help for it.

By L., at 10:40 AM
Lauren can be however Lauren needs to be. If you need to, give Holden to Donna or me for a while so you can just grieve. Oliver is probably trying to be strong for you also, so maybe he could use some quiet time.

If you need to send Oliver to Kung Fu class and send Holden to Jacque's while you have some wine and a candlelit bath, you are welcome to. You can also have some quiet time at home while Holden stays with his grandma or me.

Don't worry about being good. Of course you don't want to traumatize your family, but you can deal with this anyway you please.

Let me know how I can help.

By JacqueFromTexas, at 2:51 PM
Lauren, I went through this too right after I found out I was going to miscarry, while I was waiting. I was so irritable, so snappy. I thought the kids would hate me forever because i was being so crabby and I didn't want to do anything with them, just wanted them to go play somewhere else. Then i'd feel terribly guilty about that, and I'd try to play with them out of guilt, and then I'd not be able to feel better, regardless of how much time I spent with them. I glued myself to the computer a lot more than usual and I neglected the housework, and the house became messier which in return made me even sadder.
I promise you, it does get better after this point....but I know right now it is so tough. I am thinking about you a lot and hope you will feel better soon.
I hope you don't mind me asking but, have you actually miscarried yet, or are you still waiting?

By Bethany, at 6:56 PM
Apparantly I miscarried. I had some clots, but never really any bleeding. I never actually was able to see my baby.

It seems I might have "reabsorbed" a good deal of the "products of conception". I only saw like one bit of "grayish" matter.

I don't even want to think about that. I feel like my body is systematically killing my children.

It just makes it really hard to accept when I didn't have much pain, and I didn't even get to see anything. All I have that told me I miscarried are tests.

It feels so horrible. I know that it was probably a blessing that I didn't have a lot of pain, but it just feels so unfair.

By Lauren, at 6:26 AM
Lauren, since I was not there, there is no way I could know for sure...but the gray part you saw may have very well been the baby. That is actually exactly what my baby looked like before I picked him or her up and studied.

I'm so terribly sorry you weren't able to see more. I really wish that every woman who miscarried could see their unborn children, so that they could really get the closure they so desperately need in this time. So many women, even ones who miscarry naturally like you or I, are not able to see.

Please know and remember that regardless of the fact that you weren't able to see your baby, your baby *did exist*, and your baby *had a purpose*.

I know it's so hard that others will never really understand the pain you're going through, but you have truly lost a child, and your grief is going to be that of a bereaved mother right now.

Please allow yourself that period of grief. Don't feel guilty about it. Remember that your pain is legitimate. Even though you know that your child was created by God, that doesn't make the pain of losing that child any easier than it would make the pain any easier if you lost any of your already born children.

Please give yourself time to grieve..don't force yourself to hold it in. Bitterness will creep in and take hold of you, if you try to make yourself be strong when you are not. You are allowed to feel this pain, and your pain is real, and it is legitimate. And God understands that you need a period of grief after losing a child.

Look through the Bible at different times where people had lost their children...they always had a period of grieving, even the ones who trusted God the most. You will grieve, but you will also heal.

By Bethany, at 7:56 PM
Thank you Bethany. I'm trying so hard to find out where I should go from here. Oliver and I are going to get something to remember our child.

By Lauren, at 6:49 AM
Lauren, if you haven't already, you might consider collecting a box full of memories about the baby, your pregnancy positive test, pictures of you while pregnant, print out any entries talking about your baby, etc, and keep this as a reminder of your baby. I have heard of people who have bought a tiny doll, and buried the doll, and planted something to memorialize their baby. This helped to bring them a sense of closure when they were not able to see their baby.
I know you already know that James and I planted weeping cherry trees in memory of our baby...this might be a great thing to help you. Another lady I know planted lilies...another planted a rose bush. It really makes the grief a little easier to handle, knowing that your baby has been memorialized in this way.
Another thing, I found this beautiful little charm for a necklace, you know those "birthstone buddies"...it's an angel, and this would be a great memorial for your baby... that you could wear on your neck and others could see. You can get one here:
http://www.personalizationmall.com/Product.aspx?productid=5323&categoryID=1224&storeID=7&r=1&dest=product&did=6066

I have one on my necklace and I wear it often.
http://bethany.preciousinfants.com/2007/03/15/the-middle-tree-is-blooming-now.aspx

By Bethany, at 7:21 AM