Pain of miscarriage.

I don't talk often about the child I lost to miscarriage. I know that doing so makes people uncomfortable, and talking rarely makes me feel better about the loss. Today though, I've been thinking a lot about my "angel" so I thought I'd write a little down.

For those unfamiliar with my story, I'll give a brief summary. Shortly after discovering that I was pregnant, I began spotting. Worried I went to the hospital, and was told that I had a blighted ovum and would miscarry. After a series of inconclusive blood tests, they discovered that I was pregnant with twins, but one had indeed miscarried. Reabsorbed is how they explained it to me.

I left the hospital feeling rather conflicted, but put aside most of my pain to continue hope for my "viable" child. In fact, our lost child often got pushed aside as "Holden's twin". I hate that. I wish we had a name for our child, but we don't. Now I say "mommy's angel".

I feel like I mourn our child mostly through the achievements of Holden. When Holden took his first step, my mind raced to the thought that "our angel will never walk". When Holden said his first word, I bemoaned the voice I would never hear. I wonder if I will always frame the loss of life through the achievements of living? I suppose it is partly the curse of twins, but often I think it is because I am to afraid to face the pain directly.

I miss my child. The feeling is the same(though much stronger) as the loss I felt when Holden was in the hospital and I at home. I know that our angel is taken care of, that our angel is with God and has happiness that we can not even fathom. But still, I can't help but feel saddened that my child is not here.

My consolation lies in God. I know that it was His plan for my child to have such a short life. I know that I was blessed, even if the blessing was shorter than I would have liked. I really can't feel badly for my child. In heaven perfect love surrounds the soul. I am so thankful for the time I had, and so hopeful for time to come.

One day we will be together.