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Hi, this is my blog for all sorts of pro-life news, statistics, stories, and personal ventings. I am a wife and mother, as well as a nursing student. I I truly believe that abortion has failed women, and will continue to do so as long as it is legal.


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Thursday, November 02, 2006

Pain of miscarriage.

I don't talk often about the child I lost to miscarriage. I know that doing so makes people uncomfortable, and talking rarely makes me feel better about the loss. Today though, I've been thinking a lot about my "angel" so I thought I'd write a little down.

For those unfamiliar with my story, I'll give a brief summary. Shortly after discovering that I was pregnant, I began spotting. Worried I went to the hospital, and was told that I had a blighted ovum and would miscarry. After a series of inconclusive blood tests, they discovered that I was pregnant with twins, but one had indeed miscarried. Reabsorbed is how they explained it to me.

I left the hospital feeling rather conflicted, but put aside most of my pain to continue hope for my "viable" child. In fact, our lost child often got pushed aside as "Holden's twin". I hate that. I wish we had a name for our child, but we don't. Now I say "mommy's angel".

I feel like I mourn our child mostly through the achievements of Holden. When Holden took his first step, my mind raced to the thought that "our angel will never walk". When Holden said his first word, I bemoaned the voice I would never hear. I wonder if I will always frame the loss of life through the achievements of living? I suppose it is partly the curse of twins, but often I think it is because I am to afraid to face the pain directly.

I miss my child. The feeling is the same(though much stronger) as the loss I felt when Holden was in the hospital and I at home. I know that our angel is taken care of, that our angel is with God and has happiness that we can not even fathom. But still, I can't help but feel saddened that my child is not here.

My consolation lies in God. I know that it was His plan for my child to have such a short life. I know that I was blessed, even if the blessing was shorter than I would have liked. I really can't feel badly for my child. In heaven perfect love surrounds the soul. I am so thankful for the time I had, and so hopeful for time to come.

One day we will be together.

7 Comments:

  • My friend Kristi was an identical twin who lost her sister to Leukemia when they were only 8. She said she always felt like her birthdays, gradations, etc. where so difficult on her parents because they thought of Misty, how she'd look, that she'd be graduating, having a birthday too. I think that's just how it is with twins.

    I am so sorry about your loss. Likewise, I too am extremely grateful for Holden. Having lost people I cared for, sometimes I just have to think about the reunion to pull through. Because the reunion is always a joyful thought.

    I need to get you a book that helped me. It's called "I'll Hold You In Heaven" by Jack Hayford. I think you might be blessed by it.

    By Blogger A View From the Sidewalks, at 11:24 AM  

  • That would be wonderful. Thank you. My email is acting strange, as always(I swear every email server I try seems to hate me) but if you'd like to give me a call my number is 682-286-2525

    Off subject...I can not believe they are trying to get another DNR on charlotte. Reading that made me soo furious. I'll be praying for her.

    By Blogger Lauren, at 11:46 AM  

  • Want to join me in a fast? It'll be a short but intense one on Monday and till Tuesday until the polls close in California. The prayer focuses will be:

    *California Prop. 85 (Parental Notification Law)

    *South Dakota Ref. 6 (The Abortion Ban)

    *Texas Gubernatorial Race for the victory of the only pro-life candidate, Rick Perry.

    *Pro-life victories in all states

    and of course,

    *Miss Charlotte Paige Wyatt.

    I'd love to have you join me (where two or more are gathered). I'm just looking for someone who is like-burdened to pray in agreement on this historic election and for that sweet baby girl.

    I hope you're so led. I think I'm going to post this on my blog and see if Tim could announce it on ProlifeBlogs.com.

    I want to see Lauren! I'll holler at you tomorrow and maybe we can have lunch or something.

    -Jacque

    By Blogger A View From the Sidewalks, at 7:26 AM  

  • I'll definitely join! Now is such a crucial time. I'll call Oliver's family (they have a small church) and see if they would like to join as well.

    God bless!

    By Blogger Lauren, at 7:42 AM  

  • Yay!!!

    We got the power!


    Thanks so much for joining me!

    By Blogger A View From the Sidewalks, at 10:55 AM  

  • I feel your pain..I lost twin boys..well, I didn't "lose" them..I know where they are...in Heaven. I, too, deal with it through the milestones of my three surviving children. The twins would have turned 14 this month. Through the years, I have started to rejoice for the. Everytime I watch one of my children go through the heartbreaks of life, I remember that the twins will never have to experience any of it. They were given a ticket straight to eternal happiness. God Bless You!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:50 AM  

  • Dear Anonymous,

    You have my condolences.

    I can't wait to meet your boys. They'll have a lot to teach us.

    By Blogger JacqueFromTexas, at 8:25 AM  

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